Reflecting on the situation now, I realize exactly what the problem was: It had nothing to do with the apps I used or the guys I met and everything to do with my outlook on dating itself. Here are the telltale signs of a dating hobbyist and a dating pro, why the latter is the way to go if you’re searching for a lasting connection, and how to make the switch. You might justify this behavior by saying you are being open and spontaneous, but that is not really what is happening. You are looking for love coming from a place of lack. You are lacking fun, so you go looking for love. You are lacking fitting in with your couple friends, and so you go looking for love. Any time you try to create love from the idea that you will be better off when you have it, the foundation of the relationship will be broken—you’re more likely to select people who aren’t actually what you want or to scare away quality people with your aura of inauthenticity and desperation. If you’re not doing this already, start by spending some time thinking about what you want to get out of your dating experience. Are you looking for someone to laugh with and experience new things around your city? Are you looking for intellectual conversation and stimulation? Are you looking for no-strings-attached sex? Are you looking for love—-a deep, intimate connection that lasts? Get clear on what kind of person you’re trying to bring into your life, think about the qualities you want to have in that person, and keep these in the forefront of your mind as you begin to swipe. Dating like a professional means not being fooled into thinking initial chemistry is the only way to know if you’ve met someone worth dating. Once you’re aware of what you’re looking for in a person, it’s not actually hard to find people who have those qualities—but it does take some practice to learn to create chemistry.
