Our mental state always has an effect on our partner, children, and anyone else living in our household. When you and your partner both have depression, it’s incredibly important for you to have super-clear boundaries. Each person in the relationship has to take responsibility for their own mental health by cultivating self-awareness, California therapist Kim Egel tells mbg. “Depression shows up differently for each of us, and having awareness as to how your depression presents will help you communicate its effects with more flow and ease to your partner,” Egel says. “Allow each individual within the relationship to own and cope with their battle with depression.” “You want your relationship to be your relationship,” Brateman says. “You don’t want to move your relationship into, ‘I’m going to be responsible for your depression. I’m going to cheer you up.” On the plus side, she says it can be easier for people with depression to not take their partner’s depression personally. Because they’ve been there, they understand that their partner’s depression is a part of their partner’s own mental state, not a reflection on them or the relationship. “Knowing the tools to grab onto when your depressive symptoms kick in is essential for keeping you and your intimate relationship healthy,” Egel says. “Owning your individual battle with depression and doing the coping tools that you know to do for yourself to keep your mood as stabilized as possible will affect the state of your intimate relationship.” When both people are entering a depressive episode at the same time, it becomes even more important to ramp up the self-care action plan quickly, Brateman says, before each person’s symptoms spiral and affect other areas of life, like employment or friendships. A partner in the middle of an episode is less equipped to help you through yours, so self-care is of the utmost importance at those times. Stay vigilant of your own symptoms and warning signs. “Because the other person isn’t watching this and saying, hey, we need to do something. They both might be just hiding under the covers,” Brateman says. “That’s why quicker action is important there.” The only way to overcome this is to communicate out loud about everything. Guesswork never cuts it in a relationship, but especially not when depression is involved. “Being verbally clear with your partner about where your mental state of mind is will eliminate any assumptions,” Egel says. “Instead of them assuming what’s going on with you, being expressive with them verbally will help them understand more about why you’re acting and feeling the way you are.” One positive part of a double-depression relationship, though, is that each person may feel more comfortable opening up about their depression once they know that their partner has been there. If you’re struggling to communicate with your partner, try writing your feelings down in a letter or setting aside some time every single week to talk. Couples therapy can help a great deal, too. “Having respect and understanding for your partner as they’re coping with their mental health challenges will help to keep a love connection healthy,” Egel says. “Your relationship will remain in better standing as you support your partner while allowing them to work through their own individual depressive symptoms.” It can be helpful to make a plan for support ahead of time for each person’s depressive episodes rather than winging it when symptoms pop up. Do they want encouragement? A listening ear? Gentle reminders? Emphasis on the word “gentle.” Since you likely spend more time with your partner than most, you may be the first to notice when their symptoms start to worsen. It can be helpful to let your partner know what you see, but you have to tread lightly. Avoid accusations or shaming. “You can say, ‘I noticed you’ve been eating less. Have you noticed that?’” Brateman explains. “In a very gentle, just, ‘I love you, and I’m curious’ sort of way. That shows interest but not blaming.” Just remember, your loved one is not a project to be fixed. “They’re not broken,” Brateman says. “They’re just depressed.” The same goes for you. Both of you are worthy of love and amazing, healthy partnerships—depression and all.
