This style of dating sounds devastatingly romantic, but when it’s this sugarcoated, it’s often not actually an accurate representation of love. If you’ve recently met someone and it mirrors this experience, it can seem like a dream come true instead of what it really is: limerence. At first glance, limerence doesn’t sound all that different from falling in love. In fact, it doesn’t sound negative at all to be that wowed by someone and adore them wholeheartedly. But it’s important to recognize the distinction between seeing a person clearly so you can develop a relationship with them or if you’re unintentionally reducing their complex personhood down to a manic pixie concept, shaped primarily by your hopes and dreams and what they can offer you. It can feel incredibly exciting to be swept away so completely by someone, but even in its best state of high drama, limerence is akin to empty calories compared to what nourishing love can truly offer. Couples’ therapist Silva Depanian, LMFT, says limerence is often confused with love. “Many people don’t really recognize the existence of limerence and simply consider someone experiencing it to be a ‘hopeless romantic’ or ‘passionately in love.’ But limerence and love are not the same thing. If anything, limerence can be considered the fool’s gold of love, seemingly shiny but with no real substance.” “Love is more steady and grounding whereas limerence leaves us with that feeling of being in the clouds,” Boquin explains. “Love is a deep connection that people develop after knowing one another, experiencing life together, and overcoming challenges together.” Depanian adds that limerence often comes with the tendency to ignore flaws and red flags: “With limerence, you may find yourself hyper-focusing on the subject of your affection (the limerent object) and their positive characteristics to the point of ignoring existing flaws and directing your intense, irrational emotions toward the idea of what they represent for you instead of who that person actually is in reality.” If you’re still unsure whether you’re in this dynamic, consider it from this angle. Depanian explains that love stabilizes with partners bonding through mutual connection, interests, empathy, and shared experiences. Conversely, limerence is marked by intensity and then rapid destabilization. The projection can’t pull through enough to create a relationship since it’s not a sustainable model for connection. “Love is rooted in connection, intimacy, mutuality, and reality, whereas limerence is rooted in possession, obsession, jealousy, and delusions,” she notes. According to Depanian, here are a few signs to look out for to indicate that you might be falling in limerence, not love: If you’re experiencing limerence, Depanian notes it’s essential to recognize the illusion you’ve constructed in your head. “The version you may have built about the person is simply a glorified and exaggerated fantasy made specifically to represent the fulfillment of [your] unmet needs.” Relationships are strung together through a collection of all types of moments. They aren’t always rosy, but connections permeated with true emotional connection feel sturdy and multidimensional in their variation. Limerence doesn’t have the same depth, and if you’re in it, it can feel more like a one-note romantic comedy. The thing about real love is that it enhances your life, while limerence swallows up all aspects of your life to make space for one thing only: your obsession over your relationship. You may find yourself overstepping personal boundaries if the person you like expresses boundaries or distance from you. You don’t see it as an action independent from you but instead personalize it and filter it through fear and abandonment. “While love involves reciprocity in feelings between partners, limerence involves only a craving for that reciprocity, which results in a mostly one-sided relationship. With love, both partners recognize and accept each other’s flaws and virtues, loving the entire person,” Depanian says. It may be useful for you to understand that even if you’ve never felt this way about a person before, that doesn’t mean the person is uniquely special. It just means that you’re accessing a new part of yourself that they’re bringing forward in you. Take the time to dig into them to learn about their stories, interests, and dreams instead of glossing it over for those sparkly feelings. “This is the limerence phase,” she says. “At this falling-in-love stage, we are flooded with chemicals that heighten how we feel about the other person. This influence is so strong that it’s easy to overlook red flags during this time.” You might find yourself physically nervous and too clammed up to evaluate whether they’re actually a good fit for you. Instead, you’re more comfortable (it may feel uncontrollable on your part) merging with them and spending time harmonizing to their wants and interests instead of being discerning. They feel too extraordinary to lose, and there doesn’t seem to be anything bad about them. You’re more concerned with advancing toward them to feel the high rather than doing something that will add distance or burst the bubble. However, with limerence, the next stage is known as the crystallization phase. Rejection is avoided at all costs, and it’s more about maintaining the intensity and packaging yourself positively to gain their approval. Red flags are transformed into green flags as you rationalize away any negative behavior. Limerence appears heavily in the form of extreme compulsive thoughts about how they feel about you and you seeking their affection at all costs. There’s still a strong desire to keep the honeymoon period alive during this stage. When it reaches this phase for limerence, it’s instead called the deterioration phase. Instead of the relationship strengthening, it’s falling apart. At this point, you’ve most likely lost interest in your person as the illusion recedes and they’re not what you thought you wanted. It usually ends with crushing disappointment and frustration. The problem is that limerence feels super good on a neurochemical level, and it can quickly slide into addiction and lovesickness. “With the added elements of obsession and codependency, experiencing limerence can be highly detrimental to your psyche and overall well-being,” Depanian points out. “When limerence becomes too obsessive, it may result in stalking behaviors toward the individual.” Limerence can be a painful process to untangle yourself from because it’s likely wrapped up in your sense of self, self-worth, and self-esteem as well. If you’re dealing with limerence, it may be necessary to figure out how you can ground yourself back into reality to feel more emotionally stable and grounded. To do this, Depanian suggests investigating the attraction thoughtfully to demystify the magnetism of your partner and seeking professional help if it’s a chronic pattern. “You could benefit from trying to discover the reasons behind your intense attachment to them. Try to understand what exactly they represent for you. For example, it could represent a fulfillment of unmet childhood needs or a fresh start after a difficult breakup,” she says. “A therapist might be able to help the individual better understand themselves and their unmet needs, ultimately leading to detachment from the unhealthy, one-sided relationship.” “Limerence brings us together and presents an opportunity to develop into love. But as much as we’d like to have a guarantee whether or not things will work out, there is no guarantee,” Boquin says. “Love is a risk. However, building and nurturing a relationship built on trust and fairness will open the door to deeper intimacy. Ultimately, that’s what we’re seeking in relationships, but it takes each partner’s intention and effort. It won’t just happen.” Infatuation occurs when you’re more interested in having your crush fulfill some idea you have in your mind more than you care about meeting the person in front of you exactly as they are. It can shift into a healthier relationship once you stop idealizing them and bring curiosity into the way you are connecting with them. “Limerence might be able to turn into love but only with a shift in mindset from the individual experiencing limerence,” Depanian affirms. The key is to give yourself the same validation and meaning you’re seeking in the other. “Instead of relying on them to fulfill those needs, you would have to begin relying on yourself, your growth, and your strength to achieve true joy, meet your own needs, and make room for them. This makes room for the mutual connection, openness, understanding, and empathy experienced in love,” she adds. Deep love is quietly intimate, and it comes with equal parts beauty and terror. It’s scary to take a leap of faith, but you both deserve to be seen entirely. Don’t settle for anything else.
