Rough sex can be really fun if you’re looking to spice things up with some role play and explore new things. Sometimes when a person has a Type-A personality or has a lot of power in their daily lives (i.e. The Boss), they like to be more submissive and let her partner take control in the bedroom. This is perfectly normal. And yes, rough sex, when you’re doing it for the right reasons in the right way, can deepen your connection to your partner. Here are a few rough sex techniques to try that are totally aligned with tantra. One line reads, “The nails are used for scratching and scraping in order to increase excitation. [Scratching and biting] have the same effect[s] of increasing [excitement] and showing domination.” The Kama Sutra describes eight kinds of nail marks, including the Peacock’s Claw, which is described as such: “When the nipple is seized by all five nails and pulled outwards, the nail marks around the breasts are known as the peacock’s claw.” In tantra, we use our nails in a more gentle way—using feather-light touch. So, you’ll more lightly touch your partner or yourself to awaken your senses. But you can up the intensity on this method and dig your nails in just a bit—just don’t go so far that you draw blood. To stay connected with your partner during this kind of rough play, try to sync your breathing and maintain eye contact while you run your sharp fingernails up and down their body starting with a light touch and slowly adjusting to create a more intense sensation. The other tantric principle it’s important to hold on to is consciousness. Even when your sex is rough, you should approach it with awe, respect, and total presence. When you can maintain eye contact, you know you’re exchanging sexual energy with your partner through your eyes. This is a very powerful tool for building intimacy, and it also forces you to pay attention to what your partner is feeling—what they like or dislike. The Kama Sutra also clarifies that biting can be done on almost any body part. My teachings on both the nipple-gasm and tantric breast massage include nipple-pinching as a technique for reaching orgasm. (Here’s my full guide to orgasms from nipple play.) To roughen it up the Kama Sutra way, try nibbling or biting instead of pinching. Be very careful to go slowly here. Let your partner know when it’s too much. There’s a very fine line between pleasure and pain. In ancient tantric practices and in the Kama Sutra, they focus on learning to balance between biting and pinching the nipple hard. If you lead someone to their threshold—or what they think is too much pain—right at that moment, if they take another breath, it’s like hitting a wall just before you cross the finish line in a marathon. That’s the moment someone can actually break through to the most intense orgasm ever. When I went to India, I actually found very old texts that referred to spanking as a way to release or awaken your kundalini—which is sexual energy or chi. When you spank or smack, it sends that chi up the spine from the root chakra. This is another way to have full-body orgasms. Another client told me that she had a hard time feeling anything because she was so closed off to her own body. She couldn’t feel pleasure without feeling shame because of past sexual trauma. Rough sex won’t fix that. Instead, work with a mental health professional to process your trauma and a sexuality professional to help you reconnect with your sexuality. You need to get back in touch with your body before you explore different kinds of sex. Once you’re sure you’re engaging in rough sex for good ol’ fun and excitement, just make sure to practice aftercare following all rough sex and always protect your mental health while exploring BDSM. Isadora passed away on March 26, 2017. During her life, Psalm made a name for herself as a bold, outspoken sex, relationships, and trauma expert who lived to inspire the next generation of women. She demystified the ancient secrets of Tantra to make them accessible to the modern masses. Raised in a religious cult as a child, Isadora endured years of sexual trauma that eventually ignited her passion to teach sexual empowerment and modern sex ed. In 2007, Isadora traveled to India to immerse herself in the ancient teachings of Tantra to facilitate deep healing and discover her own path as a healer. For eight years, Isadora traveled to India to delve deeper into the path of Tantra and teach yoga to sex-trafficked women in the red light district of Calcutta, work that would eventually become part of a documentary titled Shakti. She studied the Śrī Vidyā tradition of Tantra under spiritual guru Sri Amritananda (Guruji) in Pradesh, India, and was initiated into Shakti Tantra Yoga. We will miss you, Psalm. You will certainly never be forgotten.
