It can be challenging to know just what to say to someone who has lost a loved one, but most people who have experienced a death appreciate hearing from friends and loved ones. We spoke with grief experts whose advice can help us find the right words to write heartfelt sympathy notes and condolence messages. There is no social rule about who can send a condolence message. If you are close with the bereaved, are only an acquaintance, and even when you don’t know the relatives but knew the deceased, sending a condolence message is an appropriate way to convey your sympathy and is a thoughtful way to show you care. The best time to reach out will depend on your relationship, according to both licensed psychologist Laura Louis, Ph.D., and grief and trauma therapist Ajita Robinson, Ph.D., LCPC. “Are you a close friend who was notified directly? In that case, reaching out and showing up is appropriate in most instances because the relationship already makes room for this level of ‘presence’ or involvement,” says Robinson. Louis says you can and should reach out immediately when you first find out the loss has occurred. They may or may not respond right away, but they’ll know you’re there for them. Louis also recommends reaching out a few weeks after the loss has occurred or a few weeks after the funeral. “As a psychologist, I find that the weeks and months after the funeral is oftentimes when people need the most support because at that point most family and friends have left town,” she tells mbg. “Most importantly, when you reach out, try to understand that the bereaved person(s) is not obligated to respond,” Robinson adds. “They are overwhelmed and may not have words to describe what they are feeling or what they need.” “Methods of reaching out depend on the level of closeness of the relationship,” Louis says. The general “when and how” to reach out goes like this: If you are a family member or close friend, call or text immediately, and then visit the bereaved at home and either stay with them for as long as you can or be in touch on a daily basis. If you are social friends or acquaintances who aren’t as close, send an email or a text as soon as you find out and reach out again after the “business” of the funeral has ended. If you are work colleagues or knew the deceased but not the relatives, you can send an email or traditional handwritten note or condolence card as soon as you learn of the passing. According to Robinson, the method of sharing your condolence message is less important than the expectations we have around it and what we say and do when we communicate. “If someone is in the immediate aftermath of a loss, they may not be available (mentally or physically) to answer phone calls, and it certainly is not a time to ask questions that haven’t readily been answered such as ‘what happened,’” she says. Below, Robinson and Louis breakdown some examples of where to start your condolence messages and some actions you can take depending upon the situation. Offer specifics, Louis recommends, like bringing over food or groceries. Go over to do their laundry. Ask if they’d like you to sleep over for a night or two. There is no timeline for grief. People who are grieving need time to heal, so be patient and encouraging, and most importantly, be there. Miller, known online as Lia World Traveler, is also a public speaker who regularly presents on panels and at workshops, conferences, and events nationally and internationally. She is also foreign service officer/diplomat and has worked extensively on issues across the Middle East, North Africa, Europe, and Latin America.
