“Enmeshment” means that both of you have lost your individual identities to the friendship; you share opinions, emotions, major decisions, and needs. It’s impossible to engage in self-care if you’re not in touch with your own needs and feelings! And while it’s healthy to be able to depend on your friends, it’s not healthy or sustainable to rely on one friend to meet all of your needs all the time. Burnout is inevitable. “We all love our friends. Friendship and human connection is vital for an inspiring, well-rounded, healthy life,” Anna Marchenko, LMHC, Ed.M., a therapist at Miami Hypnosis and Therapy, tells mbg. “But when boundaries have slipped, the intensity of one’s connection to another can escalate to an unhealthy level for both individuals.” Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, therapist and founder of Take Root Therapy, tells mbg that codependent friendships “can take different forms.” In addition to a lack of boundaries, they almost always include one telltale characteristic: an “imbalanced power dynamic.” Usually there’s one person who’s always the giver and one who’s always the taker. “This can be really scary because we may fear that they may not want to be our friend anymore if we are not constantly over-giving,” Lurie explains. But even though it may feel like an affront to your friend to assert your independence from them, it’s actually an act of kindness. Holding people accountable and giving them an opportunity to change is “the more loving choice” than staying quiet for the sake of the status quo, Lurie explains. If, on the other hand, your friend is a genuine one, then they’ll be more than happy to adjust to a new, healthier friendship dynamic. They’ll even be excited about it—because it means they get to learn more about the real you. “If you’ve realized that your friend is often giving more than they take or that your friendship tends to revolve around you, first understand that your friend may not think that there’s anything wrong,” Lurie says. “We often take on roles that feel most comfortable for us, and your friend ‘disappearing’ into their role may be something they’re doing unconsciously.” If you find this shift difficult, it’s wise to seek professional therapy for help, Marchenko advises. “Most importantly, you could let your friend know that you love and care about them even when they’re not doing things for you,” Lurie says. Healthy friendships don’t require one person to stay in the “giver” role constantly, Lurie explains. Instead, there’s a sense of turn-taking. “In any friendship, there will be times when our friend leans on us for additional support and care, but there will also be times when we need the same thing from them, and they are willing and able to give it,” she says. Importantly, there’s also accountability for both parties. There is “course correction, where if someone is doing something hurtful to the other person, it can be discussed and resolved.” Nobody’s perfect, after all. But with mutual empathy and self-awareness, both friends can care for each other while also caring for themselves.
