According to clinical psychologist Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy, we see this behavior in children between the ages of 2 and 6, who are going through something called the pre-operational stage, which is very egocentric. It’s to be expected in children, she notes, but for adults who are self-absorbed, “it’s almost like they never outgrew that stage—even if they have great scripts and can mask their self-absorption.” And even if a self-absorbed person may not qualify for the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), Birkel says, they can still have narcissistic tendencies like manipulation, controlling, and a general lack of empathy or concern for others. Just as a square is a rectangle but a rectangle isn’t a square, a narcissist is self-absorbed, but a self-absorbed person isn’t necessarily a narcissist. Not only do interactions with a person like this drain your energy, but you don’t feel listened to or seen, she adds. And in the case of someone good at masking, because they know what to say, you can question whether they’re truly self-absorbed. This, Birkel explains, can lead to someone losing their own sense of self and even doubting their reality. “If they’re making all the decisions, over time you lose a sense of what you want, what you like, and who you are,” he adds. These are all hallmarks of a one-sided friendship. When it gets particularly toxic, you may even start to “tiptoe around the other person’s emotions and take responsibility or blame for how the other person is feeling,” he says. And that can really chip away at someone’s self-esteem and cause someone to internalize that blame, he adds. Boundaries are key, he says, “So when you’re with that person, you continue to have a voice and say what you need and want even if they’re not happy about it.” It might upset them in the moment, but in the long run, it’s healthier for both people in the relationship to express themselves. So that might mean directly telling them how their behavior makes you feel or asking for a different dynamic when you spend time together. Make your communication clear and cogent, Neo notes, taking time to plan your script beforehand if necessary. And to protect yourself, she suggests being prepared to face some pushback from this person—the whole point of self-absorption is that they generally won’t have your back, and it’ll probably take some convincing to get them to budge. “Expect bad behavior,” she says. “Don’t go in innocently thinking everything’s going to be fine—because you’re going to be disappointed.” Once you’ve set your boundaries firmly, hold to them. And if they don’t like that, they’re ultimately not someone you want in your life, Birkel says. “It’s a good litmus test to set boundaries with people like this because it will help you decide to what extent you want them in your life.”
