“The combination of economic and social stresses brought on by the pandemic, as well as restrictions on movement, have dramatically increased the numbers of women and girls facing abuse, in almost all countries,” the United Nations reports. Calls to helplines doubled in Lebanon and Malaysia and tripled in China compared with the same month last year, the U.N. reports; similar increases have been seen in the U.S., Canada, the U.K., and elsewhere. In Australia, Google reported a 75% increase in searches related to getting help with domestic violence. This is heartbreaking news, and we all have a role to play in fighting back against this surge in domestic violence. Here are a few ways anyone, anywhere, can help survivors and the organizations supporting them in these dire times: “Given the rates of violence, one in four women and one in seven men will experience extreme physical violence by their partner in their lifetime,” says Katie Ray-Jones, the chief executive officer of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. “There’s a really good chance that you know someone.” So check in on your friends right now, especially those who may be living or sheltering with partners or family members. “Do your best to keep in touch with people you think might be at risk,” says Stephanie Nilva, esq., the executive director of Day One, a New York nonprofit working to end dating abuse and domestic violence. The best way to sensitively check in is to text, call, or email and simply ask how they’re doing and if they need anything from you right now. Ray-Jones notes that some survivors may not yet be ready to ask for help even when you reach out, so it’s important to simply let your loved ones know that you’re thinking of them and that you’re always available if they need any help. “You always want to leave that door open for the conversation when someone is ready,” she says. You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and ask to be connected with local shelters in your area where you can donate. The hotline has a database of over 5,000 providers across the country. “Knowing that the domestic violence services system is overburdened before COVID, this is a great way that communities can be supporting their programs [as they] begin to prepare for that surge that most likely is going to happen once people can move a little more freely,” says Ray-Jones. “Typically what happens when people call in and they talk about what they do for a living, what their skill sets are, what they would like to do, the programs then work to match them based on that. There could be a variety of things that people can do,” Ray-Jones says. You can call the hotline and ask them to connect you with local shelters in your area. Most volunteering programs will be closed right now to avoid spreading COVID-19, but you can get started calling and connecting with your local shelter now to see how you can support them when they reopen. Domestic violence organizations are expecting to see a surge in requests for help after social distancing measures are lifted, as survivors will no longer be trapped with their perpetrators and thus now able to safely seek out help. Posting resources for safely leaving abusive relationships is also a great way to help survivors safely access information without looking like they’re seeking it out. Perpetrators sometimes monitor their victims’ phones and web histories, so the survivors benefit greatly when that information naturally shows up in their feed because it doesn’t seem suspicious. Both Day One and the National Domestic Violence Hotline have excellent content on their social media feeds and websites that can easily be shared, retweeted, and reposted across social media. “What we’re really encouraging is for actually anyone who thinks they may know someone who is a victim to actually contact the hotline themselves,” she explains, “and talk with an advocate about what they think may be going on, and then an advocate can coach them through that specific situation and how to possibly help.” Additionally, think before calling 9-1-1. “That can be really dangerous for a survivor, so that may not be the strategy that you want to first jump to deploy,” Ray-Jones says. There are so many barriers to leaving an abusive relationship, from financial dependence to psychological manipulation from the perpetrator. Exiting the relationship is also often the most physically dangerous time for an abuser, when the likelihood of homicide spikes. It’s not easy to “just leave.” And when you judge a survivor for any of their choices, you’re placing blame on their shoulders for something that is not their fault at all and making their journey to get out even harder. If you’re supporting a survivor, Nilva recommends simply checking in on them regularly and respecting their guidelines for what’s safest for them. Survivors are strong, brave, and resilient, and we all need to do our part to support them during this trying time. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
