We asked experts for their best advice on what it means to focus on yourself and actionable ways to actually start doing it, for real. Here’s what to know. As licensed therapist Lair Torrent, LMFT, tells mbg, “To focus on yourself instead of others means to do what I call ‘choosing you.’ It means giving yourself the gift of time, drawing firm boundaries around time spent on yourself and with yourself.” For many, this may not come naturally, he notes, explaining that for people who tend to put others’ needs before their own, it can feel a bit selfish and egocentric to focus on themselves. “Having said that, this time should be seen as an investment in one’s own mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being,” he adds. To that end, as clinical psychologist Tracy Thomas, Ph.D., previously wrote for mbg, “Part of the cultural problem is that most people, perhaps unconsciously, associate the idea of loving others with forgetting about ourselves. Because of this dynamic, we often build up resentments and frustrations that go undiscussed (and can actually end up hurting the people around us without even realizing it).” So really, in order to actually show up as your best self—for your own sake and the sake of everyone in your life—you have to give yourself all the love, support, and energy you may be pouring into other people. In simple terms, focusing on yourself rather than others can basically look like asserting yourself more in every day situations, whether it’s asking for what you need, saying no to things you don’t really want to do, or even choosing which restaurant you’re going to for once. As Thomas puts it, “Loving ourselves—by taking care of ourselves first and foremost—ensures that our care for others ultimately can come from a place of inner abundance, a feeling of already being taken care of from within.” “Allowing for personal space gives you room to grow personally. It can be a chance to remember who you are as an individual and guards against the formation of codependent bonds where the relationship can begin to define you,” Torrent explains, adding, “People who spend time on themselves tend to be happier and more grounded in who they are and, consequently, tend to be better, more attentive partners.” (Here’s our guide to asking for alone time in a relationship, if you need some ideas on how to go about it.) By focusing on yourself, you’ll not only attract a partner who is genuinely aligned with the truth of who you are, but you’ll also have a much better sense of what you’re looking for (and not looking for). As Torrent tells mbg, “Focusing on yourself when you are single means cultivating a relationship with yourself, getting curious about who you are, what’s gotten you to this point, and what makes you tick,” adding, “This can be a journey of self-exploration and discovery, that might require touching into old wounds in need of healing. Those who do this might be alone for a time, but they are rarely lonely.” “Taking time and focusing on yourself means time for reflection. Those who take time to focus on themselves tend to get healthy across the board—mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually,” Torrent says. This then allows you to get in touch with your “intrinsic goodness,” as Torrent calls it, or the thing that makes you truly unique or special. “From here, all of our relationships tend to get markedly better because you simply have more to give. Since you have taken the time to fill your cup, you now have an abundance of energy to share with others,” he explains. And for what it’s worth, when you don’t focus on yourself for an extended period of time, it can throw you off in some major ways. Not only can stress, resentment, and tension build, but as Thomas explains, all that stress, anxiety, and exhaustion wreak havoc on your physiology1 over time. “Stress is our internal alarm system that tells us that we are approaching troubled ground,” she adds. As Dowling writes, “Lead with honesty. This means that if you know working outdoors at a farm sanctuary is what you’re here to do, then you have no business working 9 to 5 at a desk job for the next decade,” adding, “You’re disrespecting your talents and interests, and you’re keeping the desk job from someone who’d actually excel in that position.” But according to Torrent, knowing what your boundaries are—and keeping them—is key. And as licensed marriage and family therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, previously wrote for mbg, keep in mind that most of the time, people are not trying to violate your boundaries—they just aren’t aware of what they are. “Sometimes,” she says, “this is because we are not clear with ourselves or other people about what we want or need.” Here’s our full guide to journaling if you’re just getting started. Here’s more on how to find your passion, in case you’re curious. If this sounds familiar, she says, “They need to muster up the self-respect to start over,” adding, “Though scary, breaking off a relationship will be less painful than being with a partner who doesn’t want or isn’t capable of giving you what you need.” “A mindfulness practice helps us to be more attuned to our inner, true feelings,” she explains, adding that sometimes we just need to get in contact with our inner selves to bring them to the forefront.
