Maybe sex has decreased in your relationship, or maybe sex is just feeling dull, uncomfortable, or obligatory instead of actually fun. Let’s talk about the facts when it comes to sex in long-term relationships: Another study3 found good sex can even offset the negative effects of communication problems in relationships. Furthermore, having less sex than you wish you were having can make your relationship less stable and increase the likelihood of a breakup, according to a study published in the 4Archives of Sexual Behavior4. All that being said, how important sex is in any given relationship—and what frequency of sex is considered satisfactory—really depends on the individuals involved. Some people aren’t that interested in sex, and they don’t particularly need it to have a happy relationship. What’s important is that you and your partner can talk about what you each want from your sex lives, acknowledge any discrepancies, and find ways to make sure both people’s needs are being addressed. The novelty and the surge of feel-good bonding chemicals we experience when falling in love explain why there’s often a lot of sex early in the relationship. As those things wear off, couples settle into more of a regular ebb and flow of desire, which is usually lower than the sex hyperdrive during the initial stage of connection. RELATED: How Important Is Sex In Relationships? 9 Things To Consider If one or both partners hasn’t been interested in sex, it’s possible that there are underlying relationship problems that are being brushed under the rug and that need to be addressed. To figure out what’s going on, you’ll need to open up the conversation and check in with each other about how you’re both feeling about the state of your relationship. Focus on having a good relationship, and many times good sex will naturally follow. What exactly does that mean? It means that if you don’t tend to spontaneously feel like having sex throughout your day, it doesn’t mean you won’t enjoy sex once you’re having it. Sometimes just being open-minded and having a curious mindset about your partner’s advances can give you the opportunity to get physically aroused, which might then make you feel like having sex. RELATED: What To Do When Your Husband Doesn’t Want You Sexually Some research has found that having sex just to avoid feeling guilty for disappointing your partner actually leads to lower sexual and relationship satisfaction. That said, a 2014 study6 published in the journal Social Psychology and Personality Science found people who feel more motivated to meet their partner’s sexual needs do tend to experience more sexual desire for their partner day-to-day and over time in long-term relationships. In other words, when you care a lot about your partner’s sexual pleasure, you tend to experience more desire to have sex with them. One next step is to start having more conversations about what you both want out of your sex lives and what you enjoy about having sex together. You might find yourself feeling more open to the idea of sex when you remember how good sex can make both you and your partner feel, both physically and emotionally. Have some fun building up the sexual desire leading up to the date. Sexting and simmering are great ways to increase sexual energy in a long-term relationship. Another idea: Sex and relationship coach Pam Costa, M.A., recommends setting up “first base dates,” for example, where you pencil in time to have a romantic night together and just make out a lot. When you remove the pressure to have intercourse, you make room for enjoying all the other kinds of physical pleasures that can feel just as good if not better. Generally speaking, just the practice of talking about sex together and mutually deciding to prioritize your sexual well-being can do wonders for a couple’s relationship. You feel closer, like you’re in it together, committed to keeping the relationship healthy and working on a shared pleasurable goal. Sex should be about exploring together and helping each other feel good. If you feel like your relationship is caught in a negative cycle around sex, bring it up to your partner and work together for mutually pleasant solutions. Sometimes this push and pull of negotiating sex can bring up a lot of feelings of rejection (for the partner with the higher libido), isolation (for the lower-libido partner), and guilt (for both). These are big feelings, and it might be worth reaching out to a sex therapist or sex educator who can help you talk it out, clear the air, and get to a more positive place again. RELATED: How Often Married Couples Have Sex (Per Week & By Age) So don’t fall into the trap of believing sexual desire will automatically fade as your relationship goes on. Desire and sex don’t need to decrease in long-term relationships. Plenty of people in long-term relationships have super-hot, wonderfully satisfying sex lives years and years into their relationships. In fact, the longer you know each other, the more comfortable you’ll become with exploring new sexual experiences together. You and your partner can create whatever type of sex life you want, as long as you’re both committed to making it happen. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
